uh oh ....

untitled

They lay there entangled in each other.
One of his arms sandwiched between the fatty folds of her tummy and his.
She kissed the side of his face, right near his ear.
"I love you", she whispered, softly.
She heard him whisper "I love you too", but he didn't move.
Right response, but she felt unsatisfied.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave it a good squeeze.
"I lurrrrve youu" she said, just like she would if she was saying she loves chocolates.
He didn't answer, but she felt him pull away.
She opened her eyes to face his grinning eyes.
yes.
That's the reaction she wanted.

in not so many words

16, to be exact)

I got this bug from pizzo.

---

She waits. She watches. She sees a prey. She jumps on it. Munches its head. Yummeh!



------------------



Tickle tickle. Giggle Giggle. Roll around. Toys found.

Drool drool. Munch Munch. Tummy full. Good lunch.



-------------------



She rushed for the bus. Closed the front door and realized she left the keys inside.



-------------------



Tries to ignore the whispers around her but accusing looks made her sit quietly and cry.

(inspired by ondeonde)



-------------------



Sliced roast chicken. Shredded lettuce. Orange segments. Ranch dressing. Toss all in bowl. Sprinkle almonds. Yummeh!



-------------------



I have cracked my head and found that it's actually quite easy, so, now you try! :)

If happiness were sunbeams

It rained just as we were about to cross the street a block away from the bus station. He grabbed my hand and urged "quick!" as he pulled me towards the curb, his other hand on his head.
As if it could keep him dry.
We ran to the bus station, big droplets of water falling on us. I laughed. I love fresh rain. It's warm, and i love watching the first few droplets sizzle on the hot tarmac. Plus, he was holding my hand. That alone made me giddy.
We got to the bus station a little soggy, but not soaked. He grinned at me and touched a dropped of water on my cheek. I searched for tissue paper in my knapsack, but didnt find any. He pulled up the edge of his t-shirt and wiped his face with it. I took a peek at his navel. He held out another edge of his t-shirt and offered it to me. I grinned, bent down and wiped my face, breathing in the smell of his skin. Gosh he smelled sweet. Sweet smell of sweat, I thought to myself.
We stood there by the pillar where the old man with the cardboard box was selling peanuts, nyam-nyams and hacks, waiting for my bus. A lot of people were waiting there with us, but it felt like we were the only ones there.
He finally managed to inch his way to the pillar and leaned his back against it. I pretended that the people in front of me were forcing me to lean against him.
His chest felt warm against my back. His right thigh felt warm against the back of my left thigh.
The smell of dust, rotting corn husks, burnt grease and exhaust fumes didnt seem to bother us a bit.
"Number 33, that's mine" I told him as I saw a bus pull up.
"Let's wait for the next one" he said, gently running his thumb over the back of my hand, the one he didn't let go.
If my happiness were sunbeams, everyone there would've gotten burnt.

Once Upon A time, in Hell's Kitchen...

My name is Dale.
I’ll have you know, that I haven’t always looked like this. I used to be quite a lean hunk of meat. I guess that was why The Woman Up There was attracted to me and picked me up and brought me to Hell’s Kitchen. She promised me that she would treat me well, that she would shower me with luxuries that I could not even imagine. I was speechless with excited agreement.
But it turned out, after she left me in the cold for days on end, she had me pounded to a pulp. Then she left me sitting in this ugly bowl of an apartment.
I was devastated.
In her cruelness, there is a slight kindness though. Coz it was not long before The Woman introduced me to Miss Tatum Tater. Tatum was pounded to a pulp just like me, but before that, she had gone through worse. According to her, The Woman Up There thought she was too wild and raw, so she cut her down to size and had put her in The Fryer. Things happen to you in The Fryer. They turn the heat up so high on you that you have no choice but to change. You get soft. You get pliable. When The Woman was done with Tatum, she added salt to injury by pounding her to a pulp.

Tatum and I, we were stirred up to mix and mingle. We were forced to meld together, but I didn’t mind. It may have been a marriage of convenience, but it was still, a marriage. Tatum’s fluffy softness was what held me together through the days, and my rough exterior held her strong.
Our lives were further spiced up with a green Hispanic kid they called Chops Cilantro. Then came a thin, brown italian girl named Scalogni Affettare. Like Tatum, Scalogni too had been put through The Fryer. But instead of soft like Tatum, the heat put on her made her hard and brittle. Next came the French twins, Sel and Poivre. Poivre was slightly bigger than Sel, but The Woman took as much of him as she could handle. They were a mixed lot, but their presence in our lives made it all the more interesting. You could say that they brought their own unique flavours into our tiny bowl of life.

Then The Woman Up There did something we never expected. She came and rolled us up like tiny balls. She even pressured us to flatten our spirits. We ended up like lumps heaped together.
But the worse wasn’t over yet.
She lathered us with eggs, then put us through The Fryer.
It was my first time in The Fryer, and it was unbearable! Tatum and the kids held on tight to me, and with the cloak of eggs over us, we survived the heat together.

That was how I became what I’ve become now. The experience had made my outlook darker and uglier, but inside, I think I’ve improved. My inner self is softer now, more textured and flavoured. I no longer think ill of The Woman. I see now, that she changed me for the better and I see her with longing and love in her eyes.
I have finally become the true Dale. Burger Dale.

Bergedil, a spiced meat and potato cake, a good accompaniment for rice noodles in soup.


:laugh:

Rearviewmirror

Tina parked her car in her mother's driveway and decided to sit in it for awhile before stepping out and walking into the house.
She takes a deep breath to gather courage.
I can do this, she thought.
I think I've put up with this for long enough. They should hear me out. They should listen to me for a change. I'm sick of being the scared one.
She told herself, while checking out her eyes in the rear view mirror. The traces of redness and puffiness were no longer there.
She caught a glimpse of her mother's potted plants in the reflection. The bright, strong colours shining back at her. What a contrast to her pale skin.

When she stepped into the house, the smell of freshly baked muffins and the tinkling of the brass bells that her mom installed on the front door welcomed her.
"Tina, is that you?? We're all in the kitchen" she heard her sister called out.
She walked towards the back of the house, shedding her scarve along the way.
Her mother and her sister, Lily, was sitting at the kitchen table with a coffee mug each.
"What took you so long? I thought I heard your car drive up almost 10 minutes ago" her mom asked.
She took a mug from the mug tree sitting on her mom's counter top while she tried to come up with an answer.
"I.. uhm.. I forgot to put on my lipstick" she managed to lie while pouring herself some coffee, and flashed her mom a sheepish grin.

"Okay, now that you're here, let's get down to business" Lily said, putting down the muffin she was nibbling on.
Tina sat next to Lily and glanced at the notepad that her sister was scribbling on.
"So, we've decided we should do the party next-next Sunday, which is the 15th. Can you make yourself free?" Lily asked.
"Sure" Tina answered, slowly sipping the coffee while stealing a look at the guest list.
They discussed the menu and argued over what should be served with the lamb soup, rice or just bread rolls. Tina didn't even remember what was decided. She was distracted by the guest list.

"Set then. Can you call the caterer? I mean, since you know them better than I do.. Mom and I will handle calling up the relatives to invite them." Lily finally said.
Mom stood up to wash her mug and Tina decided to say something before she leaves the table.
"Uhm.. about the relatives.. will you .. will you be inviting him?" She hesitantly asked.
"him? who?" Tina's mother feigned ignorance.
"you know.. " Tina won't even say his name.
"Oh, of course." Mom says, and started to walk away. "It would be awkward if we didn't. You don't mind do you?"
"Actually, mom, I do mind" Tina said, trying not to look at her mother and betray her dissapointment that they still did not get it.

"but honey, what would people say? How would he feel if he knew he was the only one not invited?" Mom argued.
Lily just sat there, looking at Tina wide-eyed, but with a blank expression that says i'm not getting into this.
"What about how I feel about him being there, mom? Doesn't that count?" Tina tries hard to control her tone of voice. She has to stay strong. She cannot shake.
"Well," Mom acts a bit flustered, not knowing where to put her mug. "Your feelings do matter, love, but you've been okay with him being around before.."
"That's the problem. I was always the one who has to give in, who has to endure, who has to do the dodging and avoiding. I'm tired mom. I won't do it anymore." Tina's voice raised a note.
There was an awkward silence. Lily let out a gentle cough.

"It's either me or him, mom. If you invite him, then I won't come." Tina said finally.
"Honey, that's unreasonable." Mom sighed and finally put her mug in the kitchen sink. "Can't we just forgive and forget?"
"Forgive and forget???" Tina started to sound abit hysterical, but she collected herself. "No mom, even if I can forgive, I can never forget what he did to me. Besides, he never ever did come to me to apologize or say anything. He's acting as if nothing ever happened and that it doesnt affect him. But it affects me, mom. It affects me a lot." Tina tries to make her mom understand.
"Don't you think you're over-reacting though, Tina?" Mom says in the calmest voice she could muster, " I mean, it happened so long ago. And anyways it's not like he raped you or anything". She said it with a shrug, as if trying to let it slide off her.
Tina felt like pulling out her hair.
"The fact that he did it to me when I was so little should make it all the more disgusting. And just because he didnt stick his dick inside me, does not mean that he. did. not. rape. me." Tina tired so hard not to scream, that the words came out through clenched jaws.
Lily gasped and covered her mouth.
"You do not use that language inside my house, young lady" Mom glared from behind the kitchen counter. Tina pictured her mother wringing the dish towel she was using to wipe dry the mug she was holding a minute ago.

Tina buried her face in her hands.
"I just don't want him to be around me, mom" Tina sighed "And I'm tired of running away. I was hoping that you, of all people, would understand, or at least, agree and support me".
Mom put her mug back on the mug-tree in silence. Lily stood up from the table and brought her mug to the kitchen sink and started to wash it. Tina just sat there at the table. Waiting. Waiting for someone to understand.
Tina feels like giving up. Perhaps she should just accept whatever is being dished out to her. That is certainly much easier than having to go through this.

"Okay." her mom sat back down at the table.
Tina looked up to face her mom.
"If it makes you feel better, I won't invite him" Mom said, "but what will I say when the others ask why?" her eyes challenged her daughter.
"Tell them the truth." Tina said bravely.
Mom shook her head.
"Then tell them to ask me." Tina said courageously, feeling like she's finally climbed the hardest part of the mountain. "Then I'll tell them the truth"
Her mom looked at her doubtingly "Wouldn't you feel ashamed?"
"You know what mom, I think it's high time I stopped feeling ashamed" Tina tapped the table for effect. "It's high time that he should be the one who is shamed for what he did. I should stop being scared of meeting him. He should be scared of meeting me. I should stop worrying about who knows my secret. He should start worrying about who knows about the secret he made me keep all the years. I should stop shrinking. I should.. I want to start to shine again."
For the first time since the conversation started, Tina saw Lily, who was behind the kitchen counter, smile and look at her with pride.

Two weeks later, they were back in the kitchen. This time it was filled with the aroma of spices wafting out of the huge pot of lamb soup. Lily was ladeling soup into large tureens. Tina was piling bread rolls in a cotton-lined basket, while Mom was busy chatting with guests outside.
Tina was setting the bread basket on the buffet table when she saw the car pulling in to park at the roadside in front of the house.
Her heart sank.
She turned and looked for her mother.
She finally found her mother in the kitchen, listening to her aunt rave about the delicious soup and can she have a bowl of it to take home?
"I can't believe you invited him, mom" Tina interrupted.
"Tina, please, honey, I just want you to learn to forgive him" her mother pleaded. Her aunt looked on, slightly confused.
"You still don't get it, mom" Tina said, and went to grab her car keys.
She stormed out of the house, brushed by her tormentor at the front door, and headed for her car.

Lily caught her just as she was backing out of the driveway.
"Tina.." Lily tried to reason through the driver's window, "Please understand.. you're asking her to choose between her brother and you".
Tina stopped the car and looked at Lily.
Lily saw for the first time how much her sister is hurt.
"The thing is, Lily, it's obvious that she already made a choice. She chose him over me." Tina swallowed hard. "Why didn't she choose me?"
Lily let her go.
Tina drove off, watching her mother's house look smaller and smaller in the rear view mirror.

untitled

Who knows how a woman's mind works.
She calls me up out of the blue and asks me to come home.
After years of my efforts of showing that I still have affections for her have been thwarthed time and time again, she finally tells me that she needs me.
After years of just coming home to 'visit' and never to stay, she is asking me to be with her again. To return to my post as the pillar of strength to which she can cling to for support.
Do I say yes? Or do I say "too little too late?"

Because I love her, I say Yes.

---

Tidak ada kena mengena dengan yang hidup atau yang mati.

heh.

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the heads of other people. Sometimes I wonder, if I were to listen to what they are thinking, would I understand them better? Would I be able to get to know them better?
Or would it suffice to just know what went on in their lives, to listen to what comes out of their mouths, to watch how they react to situations, to speculate and surmise .. would that make me really know them?
Maybe it's better that I do not know people so well. Coz then I wouldn't be suprised anymore.

I want my sexy back

I don't want a look, I want a gaze
I don't want a hug, I want an embrace
I don't want a peck, I want a passionate kiss
I want to experience, I don't want to miss

I don't want a touch, I want a caress
I want passion to burn right beneath my breasts
To not just be needed but to also be desired
To be revived as the goddess when the goddess is tired

I want my sexy back

aiyooohh lambat lagi ke nak habis pantang nih..?

Panic

She has not been able to sleep well for the past few days. It wasn't just because the baby was starting to kick more frequently and strongly. It wasn't just because Shah was away on business and the kids were sleeping in their king-size bed with her, either. She just felt restless, anxious ... she felt like something was about to happen.
Maybe she had been watching too much TV. The news, to be exact. The news are filled with nothing but stories of attacks and bombings and riots and insurgencies. When she was back home in her own country, she wouldn't have batted an eyelid at this stories. She would've just tsk-tsked at the news and be glad that nothing like that ever happened in her country.
But now she is here, right where everything is happening.
"Life is safe here", one of the expatriates told her. "We live in a compound.. there's security everywhere. We don't even lock the door sometimes."
She always locks the door.

She heard something. The drone of vehicles.
Her unit was the closest to the main gate, so sometimes at night, when everything is extra quiet and you can hear even the tiniest noise, she could hear the conversations of the army personnels stationed at the gate. She couldnt understand any of them, of course, because most of it were muffled, and because she doesn't understand arabic that well.. only sprinkles of words. 'Ashrab' for 'drink', 'Khalas' for 'done' or 'finished' and sometimes she'd hear them call each other 'ya habibi' and laugh a lot. Tonight they were particularly quiet.
It's not unusual to hear the sounds of cars coming in and out of the compund in the middle of the night. Shops don't close till about midnight in this country, and some of the residents prefer to do their shopping in the evening, when it's not as hot as during the day. So she is used to hearing the drone of vehicles whenever she found herself awake in the middle of the night.

She reached out for her mobile phone and touched one of the buttons to activate the screen. 2:20am, it displayed. That's pretty late for shoppers.
The low growl of the engine didn't sound like a car either. A heavier vehicle. A bus? Or a truck? 2 trucks?
Then she heard shouts.
Then the loud rat-tat-tat of the machine gun.
She sat up in bed. Her heart beating so hard she was starting to get a headache.
She turned on the bedside light and looked at her kids sleeping beside her. Halim was snoring. Hassan's body was contorted and tangled in sheets. Hannah had one of her hands sprawled over Halim's face, almost like trying to stifle the snore.
Shouts. Rat-tat-tat and bang-bang of a smaller gun.
Oh she've watched enough Discovery and CNN to tell the difference.

She jumped out of bed as quickly as she could with her huge belly and headed for the window. She made the tiniest crack in the curtains and peered outside.
Drat. She couldn't see a thing from her window. Only other units, and part of the road from the main gate, but not what's going on outside the gate.
More shouts, more sounds of guns. She could see lights turning on in the other units and curtains pulled aside.
She was breathing so hard, steam was bouncing off her curtains and warming her cheeks.
Then the gunshots stopped.
She heard the drone of vehicles starting up, and saw two trucks driving in from the main gate.
They were not service trucks. And the people in the back of the trucks, do not look like the gardeners and plumbers that service their units. And those things they're holding, do not look like hoes or tools. They looked like guns.

Oh No Oh No she thought.
She looked at her kids.
She thought as fast as she could.
What would they do to us?
They would shoot us.
What could we do to not let them do what they want to do to us?

We run.
Run where? We're in a freakin compound. There are high walls with barb wires to prevent people from sneaking in, which also means there's no way we can sneak out either. Anyways, with a big belly, she can't really climb anything and neither can her kids.

We call for help.
Call who? Dammit. Shah is at least 3 hours' drive away. She can't even remember the number for the police. Would calling the receptionist at the club house help? She was sure that the receptionist on duty would already be aware of the situation by now. The club house would be the first building they see once they get into the main gate.

We hide.
Okay, that's a good idea. Where?
She got out of her room and scanned the house.
Downstairs? Too close to the front door. Besides, the store room and the laundry room are the only ones with doors and they don't have locks.
Uh oh, her living room light was on. She always leaves it on, to indicate someone's home. Perhaps that would not be a good idea now. She goes downstairs, fleets through the front door and switches the light off. Maybe if they think no one is home, they won't even come in. Pray to God that they have not seen it on yet.
She went back upstairs, switching off the lights as she scanned the rooms.
Spare room. Children's room. All no locks.
Closets.
Closets could be good. She had always found comfort in closets.
The spare room's closet had their suitcases. Damn.
The children's room's closet was too small to fit her and her kids.
All that's left was her closet. She opened it. She had her spare comforter and bed linen at the bottom of it, so it could be comfortable.

She started hearing bangs on doors.
Quick quick.
She pulled her kids off her bed. Halim first, and he started protesting.
"Shhhhh" she said "Halim, I need you to get into the closet. Please just do what I say"
"Arrrgghhhh mom...!" Halim complained.
Gunshot.
Halim gasped.
"Please Halim, we need to be really quiet and hide" she tried to tell him in her calmest voice. It wasn't really convincing.
Without a word, Halim obeyed her. Even in the dark she could see the whites of his eyes.
Hassan is next. He didn't make much noise, just groggily got up and went to the closet to sit beside his brother, and went back to sleep.
She didn't know how she did it in her condition, but she lifted Hannah off the bed and laid her in the closet. That girl.. she could sleep through anything.

She ran to the door to close and lock it, but decided not to.
Let's pretend we're not home. The car is not in the driveway (because Shah is using it), maybe they'll really believe no one is home.
She quickly made the bed.
She took her mobile phone, went into the closet, closed the doors and sat quitely.
She felt Halim's hands grab her arm tightly.
"Mom, I'm scared" he said.
"Shh.. it's okay. Let's pray that God will protect us.", she whispered back as calmly as she could, but the trembling in her voice and the sweat that's starting to bead on her forehead betrayed her calm.

She heard more banging. Shouts.
And now and then, sounds of pleading. From women and men. And the cries of children.
But no more gunshots.

Then it came, the banging on her door.

---

I could continue.. but then it might get anti-climactic.

Lost+Found

The things I find while cleaning out my closet ...

---

Taufik,

Sejak kumbang bertemu bunga
Kini taman sudah berbuah
Kasih sayang tidak didua
Hati setia tidak berubah

Kini taman sudah berbuah
Buah dinikmat sehingga puas
Hati setia tidak berubah
Jiwa berhajat agar berbalas

Buah dinikmat sehingga puas
Makan semua bersama-sama
Jiwa berhajat agar berbalas
Moga berbahagia selama-lama

Selamat ulangtahun perkahwinan kita yang ke-6, sayang.

-elisa

---

(circa 15th August 1998)

Apologies to my non-malaysian readers.. I dont know how to translate this into english

heartbeats II

She turned over to hug the one lying beside her.
She reached out her hand and felt empty space.
She woke up in panic.
Where is he???
He's not here. No, he's not.
no more chests.
no more heartbeats.
just a lone pillow
for her tears to dampen at night.

heartbeats

She turned over and felt someone lying beside her.
She panicked for a bit then realized, eh, he's home. He came home.
She snuggled closer to put her head on his chest. She felt him pull out his arm from under her and put it around her shoulder.
"You're here"
"Hm."

She was listening to his heart beat.
budumdum budumdum

His chest felt kinda damp.
He ran his fingers on her cheek and looked at the result. wet.

"Hey, i'm here"
"yes, you're here"

and she continues sobbing.

Last Days

LastDays

Hisham looked at the trail behind the school. He has no choice now. He has to go home using that shortcut. It’s too late. He had been waiting for the rain to stop and now that the once heavy rain had gone to a drizzle, the front gate has closed. He had been avoiding that trail for weeks now. Eversince that day when he saw that creepy man.

He was walking down that trail from school just like any other day. There were two other boys behind him. It’s the shortest way to his house anyway. If he were to take the front gate, he would have to walk past the mosque, around the houses by the playground and pass 4 junctions before reaching his house. This way, the path was rougher, the grasses taller and denser, it can only fit one person or one motorcycle at a time and sometimes the stench from the huge drain that he walked along would rise up a little too strongly, but it leads him straight to the back gate of his home.
Hisham saw the creepy man on the wooden bridge that the motorcyclists used to get to the other side of the drain. He was wearing a long black robe, his face hidden under the hood. He looked really creepy. Like something out of the movie he saw at Amin’s house. The one where they chased the little boy that had a ring. Hisham couldn’t see the man’s eyes, but somehow he knew the man was looking at him. He stopped in his tracks as he felt his heart beat faster, and he felt as if his legs had turned to stone.
He was awoken from that freezed state only when the boys behind him gave him a shove and a shout “Woih jalan lah!! Apa ni???” “Move it! What gives???”. Hisham pointed at the guy, but the boys just shook their head and pushed him to move on “Apalah engkau nih.. mimpi ke..? Jalan lah!” “what are you.. dreaming..? Just move!”. Hisham made a move, and when he looked back, they guy was still there, looking at him. He quickly ran home and stayed indoors.
In Math class the next day he started to feel his navel moving. At first he thought it was just gas because he had deep fried tapioca for tea break , and even though he didn’t have a stomach ache, he had asked permission to go to the toilet. He lifted up his shirt to tap his tummy to check for bloating and actually saw his navel moving. He didn’t know what to think. Was there something in his stomach? He didn’t feel any pain, and the movements were slight, though noticeable. Perhaps it’s that creepy man. Maybe he’s an aliean and maybe he had implanted something in his tummy. He almost vomitted in fear.
He decided to take the long way home starting that day. When he reached home that day, he headed to the kitchen, went out the back door and braved himself to crane his neck and look out to the bridge. The creepy man wasn’t there. Maybe he was just dreaming yesterday, he thought. Hisham turned to go back inside, decided to take one last look and nearly fell over when he saw the dark figure staring at him. Staring without even looking. Even from the bridge, his stare penetrated Hisham’s soul. Hisham ran inside and bumped into his mom.
“Ya Allah , Sham... hati-hati lah sikit..” “My God, Sham, do be careful!”, she chided.
“Sorry Mak”"Sorry Mom" was all Hisham managed to say.

He went to his room and thought. Why was this man stalking him? Why was the man watching him? What does the man want?? Has he done something wrong??
Hisham tried to think of anything bad that he has done for the past few months. He remembered he had borrowed Amin’s money during teabreak and have not returned it. He pried his money bank open and counted his money. He vowed to pay Amin back the next day. But when he got home, he looked hopefully at the bridge and still saw the man.
Perhaps this man was hired to look after him by his father? His father works outstation a lot, and his father doesn’t really like him walking and playing near the drain. He wanted to ask his father, but didn’t dare to.

So since that day, he avoided using the shortcut by the drain. No matter what he did, however, everytime after tea break, his navel would still move, sometimes so violently it’s almost vibrating. And lately, he was feeling like even his forehead is moving.
Everytime he got home from school, he would go straight to his room. He would drown himself in his homework and books. Even pleas from his younger sister to play with his ball with her in the backyard would be declined. He would rather play cards with her in his room. While helping his mom with the dishes, he would avoid the urge to look out the window towards the bridge, because Hisham knows, the creepy man is there. Standing and waiting. For what, he doesn’t know. He only prayed that the man would not come a-knocking on the back door. The man never did.

Hisham stared at the trail and took a deep breath. No choice. Have to get home by that way. It’s the only way now. And he better do it soon, because it will get dark and he can’t imagine encountering the creepy man in the dark. What if the man grabs him??
He needed a disguise. Maybe if he disguised himself, the man won’t recognize him. He opened his bag and took out his raincoat, spilling out his snackbox in the process.
His mother packs him a tuna sandwich in a tupperware everyday eversince he complained about feeling his navel moving in the afternoons. As he picked up the half-eaten sandwich, he recalled his conversation with his mom before he left for school.
”Kenapa Sham selalu tak habis makan roti yang mak bekal tu? Membazir aje tau””Why dont you finish any of the sandwiches I pack for you? It’s such a waste” she had said, as she stuffed the tupperware inside his bag while he puts on his shoes.
”Entahlah mak, macam tak lalu aje””I don’t know, mom, I guess I wasn’t that hungry” he offered as an explanation.
”Tu lah .. patutlah perut masuk angin..””That’s why you’ve got gas (it’s because you don’t eat)” she said , while poking his tummy in jest.
Hisham smiled at the gesture. They sat there in silence for a while.
”Mak, Hisham ada buat salah dengan mak tak?””Mom, have I ever wronged you in any way?” Hisham finally ventured.
”Eh, apa kejadah nya pulak..?” ”What in the world are you asking..?” his mom was suprised, ”Kenapa tanya macam ni?””Why do you ask?”
”Tanya aje ... manalah tahu..””I’m just asking, just in case” Hisham said.
His mom giggled , ”Tak ada ... Sham banyak tolong mak.. lebih-lebih lagi time-time gini masa abah engkau pegi outstation nih””Never .. you have helped out alot, especially these days when your father is working outstation” and she rubbed his shoulders in assurance.
”dah, dah, pukul berapa dah ni.. nanti lambat pulak.. dah lah kamu lalu ikut jalan jauh dah sekarang””Enough chat, look at the time, you’re going to be late, especially since you’re taking the long way nowadays” His mom gently pushed him off the porch steps.
”Pegi dulu ya mak. Maafkan salah silap Hisham, halalkan makan minum” “I’m going now. Forgive all my misgivings..” Hisham says as he hugged and kissed his mom.
His mom giggled some more ,”Macam beraya pulak.. ye lah.. mak maafkan, halalkan makan minum segala.. “This is just like Eid .. of course, I forgive you” she said .
She watched her only son walk out of their porch.
”Tolong ambikkan bola engkau kat tepi jalan tu..? adik engkau main semalam, dia tinggal aje kat situ.. dia nak main dengan engkau, kau taknak.. “”Can you please pick up your football ? Your sister left it outside after she played with it yesterday. She wanted to play it with you but you didn’t want to” his mom yelled from where she was, pointing at Hisham’s football that was outside their gate.
Hisham picked the ball up and handed it to his mom ”Mak kasilah bola ni kat Hanis. Suruh dia jaga baik-baik” “Give my ball to Hanis, tell her to take good care of it”. He walked out the front gate and headed to school.
Hisham heard his mom laughing and talking to herself ”Mimpi apa lah budak sorang nih?””What in the world have gotten into this boy?”

”Tak balik lagi?””Not going home yet?” the gardener asked Hisham, rattling his bunch of keys. “Pakcik dah nak kunci pagar ni””I’m going to lock the back gate soon” he said, waiting. Hisham put on the yellow raincoat and pulled the hood over his head. He was ready. He started walking , keeping his head down, his vision limited to the trail and nothing else. His bag rustled under the raincoat and the raincoat rustled against the tall grasses. The rain had stopped, but he could hear the sound of the water still rushing in the drain. He didn’t dare to look at how much water had collected in the drain, because he was nearing the bridge now.

“Abang!””Big Brother!” he heard a girl’s voice call out.
He looked up in front from the trail, peeked under his raincoat’s hood and saw his sister standing near their house’s back gate.
”Jom main bola?””Let’s play ball?” Hanis beamed, bounced the ball once and kicked it towards him.
Her foot kicked the ball at an angle and instead of going towards Hisham, it went towards the bridge instead.
”Alamak!!””Oh No!!” She hit her forehead in frustration. ”Sori abang.. Hanis ambik balik””I’m so sorry, big brother. I will get it back”
Before Hisham could run towards her, Hanis was already heading towards the bridge to look for the ball.
”Hanis, tunggu Abang!” “Hanis, wait for me!” Hisham shouted as he hurried towards her. He glanced at the bridge and saw that the man was there. Waiting. Watching. Hisham hopes to get to his sister before the man does.
Hisham saw his sister’s head stoop down and dissapear near the bridge. He called out for Hanis, hoping that his voice reaches her over the rumbling of the water.
”Kat sini, Abang!” “Over here, Big Brother!” Hanis’ voice cried out from under the bridge. As he reached the planks of the bridge, Hisham saw the man starting to move towards them. He took off his raincoat, dropped his bag and ran as fast as he could under the bridge. He reached the edge of the drain just in time to see Hanis reach her hand out towards the ball, which had fallen into the drain but was not carried off by the rushing waters because it was caught on some tangled weeds.
“Hanis! Biar ajelah!! Jom kita balik!””Hanis! Let it go! Let’s just go home!” he shouted above the rumble of the water. The man must be right above them now, he thought.
”Tapi ini bola abang””But this is your ball” Hanis said as she tried her best to reach out to the ball. She edged herself closer, slipped and in an instant, fell into the water. Being bigger and heavier than the ball, the tangle of weeds could not support her body and the current pulled her away.
“Hanissss!!!” Hisham shouted, and without thinking, he jumped into the water to save his sister.

Hisham had swum in rivers with his friends before, but none had ever had currents as strong as those in this drain. He was swimming with the current, which made him go faster, but the current were also inconsistent, sometime pulling him towards the middle, sometimes pushing him towards the edge. He struggled to keep his course steady and kept his eye on his sister. He saw Hanis’ hands waving and he could hear her screams of ”Tolong!!””Help!!” in between gurgles, the sounds of rushing water in his ears and his own arms and legs thrashing through the water.
His limbs start to ache as he swam and swam and he lost sight of Hanis. His head had gone underwater a few times and he had gulped some water but all he could think of was Hanis. He pushed his body upwards with all his might to try and find her and he saw her, holding on to a dead tree that had fallen into the drain. He felt relief, ... then panic. He was being carried off further and further away from his sister. Further and further away from his home. He tried to swim back, but the currents were too strong and he had no strength left.

That was when Hisham saw the man again. The man was standing waist deep in the water, floating along with Hisham. As the man got closer, he reached out his right hand to the boy. Hisham didn’t know what to do. Is he trying to help me? Hisham thought. He saw the man’s hands and noticed how smooth and shining it was, as if there was light coming out from his flesh. Hisham tried to look at the man’s face, and even though it was still hidden under the black hood, he could feel the stare, and somehow this time, he didn’t feel fear.
With whatever strength he had left, Hisham reached out his own right hand and grasped the man’s. Hisham felt the man pulling his body towards him. There was a chill that started from the tip of his toes, that slowly crept up his legs. As Hisham got closer to the man, he could feel the chill reach his navel, and he realized that his navel had stopped moving. He felt the chill reach his chest as soon as the man’s left arm wrapped around his waist. The man pulled Hisham close to him, but Hisham felt no warmth. The chill then stopped at his adam’s apple, as if waiting for something.
And Hisham finally saw the man’s face.

They found him caught in the wire mesh that prevents large debris from going into the main drain, still in his school uniform. His ball was found next to him, deflated.
Hanis cried as she told her mom how her brother tried to safe her. The mother was almost hysterical, the neighbours had to rummage the bedroom drawers to look for the number to contact her husband and break the news. A TV crew came to interview her as soon as she calmed down and had accepted the fact that her son is gone.
When asked about Hisham, all she could say was that he was a nice boy. He was boisterous and active like any other normal boys, but he had been particularly quiet during the last days of his life. She didn’t know why, then, but she knows now that he must’ve somehow known of his impending death.

Dinosaurs in Trengganu

I apologize to readers who have no idea what the Trengganu language is..

I think I’ve been reading too much Ikang Kering..
Coz I was watching Dinosaurs with the kids last night and I was thinking how it would be if a Trengganu person wrote the subtitles. I was even imagining, if they were to translate that animated movie for the Trengganu audience, this is what it would sound like: (best read when you’re watching Disney’s Dinosaur with the volume turned down)

---

Aladar’s egg falls into the forest. Lemurs scatter around in fear. Plio peers thru leaves

Zini: Yar what is it? Pok yar, gedia tuh?
Yar: I don’t know Aku dok tahu lah..

Plio goes to check out the egg

Yar: Plio get back here, you dont know what it is! Mek plio, maghi sini! Dok soh gi lah! Mu dok tahu gedia nnatang tuh!

plio sniffs, sees the egg cracking

Plio: dad, get over here Pok Yar, cer mu maghi sinni metta.

Zini starts to join Plio, Yar pulls him back

Yar: zini it’s not safe! Awang, mung dok soh gi ah. Mung dudok sinni. Bahaya tuh.
Zini: oh I always have to go when stuffs happening! Augghhhh...Aku sokmo dokleh tengok!

Yar joins Plio

Yar: what, what is it? Doh, gedia tu, mek ?
Plio: It was an egg.. look.. Sakni telor.. lenning..tengok lah..
Yar: Ugh!
Plio: What? Bakpe pok yar?
Yar: it’s a cold blooded monster from across the sea, vicious, flesh eating.! Nih nattang jahak dari beloh nuh nih.. nattang ni makang daging nih!
Plio: Looks like a baby to me. Napok macang anok kecik jah..
Yar: Babies grow up. You keep that thing, one day, we’ll turn our backs, it’ll be picking us out of its teeth. Things like that eat things like us as snacks. Anok pong.. kekgi jadi besor. Mung sipang nnattang tuh, kekgi acu nok tidor, sedor-sedor, kita dok celoh gigi dia. Nattang gittu makang kita macang makang khrepok jah!
Plio: So, what do we do? Pahtu nok wak guaner?
Yar: Get rid of it! Huh! Tohok buang lah! Huh!

yar walks away

Plio: What has gotten into you? Bakper dok tau, pok yar nih..
Yar: Plio, that thing is dangerous! Mek plio.. nattang tu bahaya aku kata..
Plio: *sigh* I’m sorry little one. .. okay get rid of it. *gives baby to Yar* *Ngeluh* Mitok ma-ah lah kecik we… hoh.. mung lah tohok. *wi ke pok yar*
Yar: Allright, I will Buleh.. aku buleh tohok..

Yar mutters and attempts to throw baby Aladar

Plio: You better hurry up dad, it looks hungry Derrah skek pok yar weh.. napok macang lapor doh tuh..

Baby gurgles, yawns and pees. Yar’s heart melts

Yar: Here. Noh. Mung ambik lah semula..
Plio: It’s okay, we’ll teach him to hate meat Dakper lah Pok Yar… kita ajor dia makang sayur deh..

Plio takes baby. Yar starts to walk away , and turns for a final word

Yar: Watch his head..! I mean watch it, he could bite. Jaga paller dia..! Eh, jaga-jaga sikik.. dia kekoh kekgi, aku dok tahu..

Other lemurs gather around Plio. Zini checks the baby’s mouth

Zini: This monster’s got no teeth..what’s he gonna do? Gum us to death? Nnattang ni tak dok gigi starang pong…dia nok wak mende? Nok gonye kita sapa mapuh?
Plio: Zini, come on, look at that sweet little face.. does that look like a monster to you? Cer mung tengok gak..muka comey lotte ginni.. dok kang lah jahak..

---

Now read it again, but imagine Plio berkemban (in a sarong tied up to her chest), and Pokyar wearing a rolled kain batik on his head, with a rokok daun (handmade cigarette) behind his ear…
ha ha ha…

Celebrate you

This was inspired by reading a few people's blog, and by my numerous visits to the Penang & Vietnamese stall in Giant Kelana Jaya's Foodcourt.
Bon Apetit

---

The trip up the escalator had gotten Pah a little bit breathless. Not because of her weight, but because she was talking to her friend Su all along the way. The were talking about last night's Fear Factor and they were poking fun at some of the contestants. By the time they reached the food court, they were laughing so hard, they had temporarily forgotten about what happened at the office before they left for lunch.
They scanned the stalls at the food court, undecided on what to eat. Su finally settled for some Yong Tow Foo : some fish balls, tofu cake, some vegetables. Su decided to have them in soup instead of fried. Su didn't say anything, but Pah knew that in the back of Su's mind, rang their colleague's remark about their weight. Though the colleague didn't explicitly say it, Pah knew that when she recommended that Pah & Su try out this new diet she discovered, there was an unspoken "since you're so fat" trailing behind.

Pah walked to one of the other stalls and scanned through the menu.
Too much fat.
Too much meat.
Too oily.
She heard and smelled someone cooking in the back of the small kitchen. The clanging of spatulas on a wok. The smell of sauted garlic.
Sounds and smells oh so delicious!!
She could probably order some Assam laksa, she thought. Less laksa, more vegetables.
As she stood there, a thin figure came and stood beside her.
She was well dressed, in a pink blouse and a modest knee-length skirt. Her make up was perfect. Shaded pink eyeshadow on eyelids, mascara on lashes, lipstick, blusher. Pah tried to recall whether she had put any lipstick on. The lady's hair was neatly pinned in a bun. She looked like an air stewardess. Maybe she is, since their training centre is just across the street, Pah thought.
Miss Stewardess stood next to Pah and talked to the stall owner.

What's in the eggrolls?
Carrots, cucumber, beansprouts, eggs and peanut sauce.
I don't want the eggs. or the peanut sauce.
Mana sedap woh (Then it'll be tasteless)
Can you not fry the eggrolls?
Can. can.
okay I'll have two.

The stall owner dissapeared into her small kitchen with the order chit in hand and came out with a plate of fried kuey teow. She set the plate on the counter, in between Pah and Miss Stewardess. The fragrance of sauted garlic & oyster sauce enveloped them. The flat noodles were tinted dark of soy sauce, and the oil made it glisten. Bits of eggs and chunky cockles and stringy beansprouts mingled with the noodles. Pah saw Miss Stewardess looking at the dish from the corner of her eye. Miss Stewardess' hand ran across the waistband of her skirt and she heard a tiny sigh. Of longing?

"Leng loi, mau order kah?" (Pretty girl, do you want to order?), the stall owner asked Pah.
"That looks good.. I'll have a plate of that" Pah said, pointing at the kuey teow "extra cockles ad beansprout okay auntie?"
"Auntie, are my eggrolls ready?" Miss Stewardess asked, with a slight impatient tone in her voice.
" sekejap ah.. lu punya special order mah.. (In a minute, yours is a special order)"

Another customer came and asked the stall owner if the kuey teow was his, and walks away with the dish. Miss Stewardess moved slightly away, as if the fat from the dish could travel through air and deposit on her thin body.
The stall owner dissapeared again and a few moments later came back with two trays:
One with a plate of two unfried eggrolls and a bowl of peanut sauce. The eggrolls lay cold and white. Pale and bland. The sauce nutty and spicy.
The other had a plate of steaming hot char kuey teow, laden with cockles and beansprouts.

Miss Stewardess paid and took her tray. She was about to leave when one of her friends walked by, looked at the contents of her tray and said
"eeeyeww.. you're gonna take the peanut sauce? It's very fattening you know?"
Miss Stewardess turned around, returned the sauce and hurriedly joined her friends. But not without a final glance at Pah's kuey teow.

Pah and Su sat not far away from Miss Stewardess and her friends and Pah couldnt help but watch that table. They were talking while eating, and Pah saw that after each bite, Miss Stewardess' eyes would be roaming around looking at other people's plates. Everybody else had salad or soup. Two of her friends shared a grilled mackerel. Miss Stewardess finished her eggrolls in about 8 bites. The rest of the time she sucked mineral water through a straw.

Pah savoured her lunch. It was somehow more delicious than she had imagined. Even Su, who complained that she's still hungry and snuck a bite from Pah's plate, thought it was tasty too.

"Lets get a DQ Blizzard" Pah announced, "I feel like celebrating"
"Celebrating what?" Su queried
"Celebrating me" Pah smiled.

---

NOTES:
Yong Tow Foo : assortment of fishballs and fishcakes or vegetables stuffed with fish. Served either fried and eaten with sweet and spicy sauce or in a soup.
Assam Laksa : Thick Rice noodles (laksa) in a sour&spicy fish soup (assam), served with mint leaves and shredded cucumber, onions and pineapples.
Char Kuey Teow: flat rice noodles (kuey teow), fried (char) in a garlic and oyster sauce. With cockles, beansprout, thinly sliced fish cake thrown in.

Bon Apetit

This was inspired by reading a few people's blog, and by my numerous visits to the Penang & Vietnamese stall in Giant Kelana Jaya's Foodcourt.
Bon Apetit

---

The trip up the escalator had gotten Pah a little bit breathless. Not because of her weight, but because she was talking to her friend Su all along the way. The were talking about last night's Fear Factor and they were poking fun at some of the contestants. By the time they reached the food court, they were laughing so hard, they had temporarily forgotten about what happened at the office before they left for lunch.
They scanned the stalls at the food court, undecided on what to eat. Su finally settled for some Yong Tow Foo : some fish balls, tofu cake, some vegetables. Su decided to have them in soup instead of fried. Su didn't say anything, but Pah knew that in the back of Su's mind, rang their colleague's remark about their weight. Though the colleague didn't explicitly say it, Pah knew that when she recommended that Pah & Su try out this new diet she discovered, there was an unspoken "since you're so fat" trailing behind.

Pah walked to one of the other stalls and scanned through the menu.
Too much fat.
Too much meat.
Too oily.
She heard and smelled someone cooking in the back of the small kitchen. The clanging of spatulas on a wok. The smell of sauted garlic.
Sounds and smells oh so delicious!!
She could probably order some Assam laksa, she thought. Less laksa, more vegetables.
As she stood there, a thin figure came and stood beside her.
She was well dressed, in a pink blouse and a modest knee-length skirt. Her make up was perfect. Shaded pink eyeshadow on eyelids, mascara on lashes, lipstick, blusher. Pah tried to recall whether she had put any lipstick on. The lady's hair was neatly pinned in a bun. She looked like an air stewardess. Maybe she is, since their training centre is just across the street, Pah thought.
Miss Stewardess stood next to Pah and talked to the stall owner.

What's in the eggrolls?
Carrots, cucumber, beansprouts, eggs and peanut sauce.
I don't want the eggs. or the peanut sauce.
Mana sedap woh (Then it'll tasteless)
Can you not fry the eggrolls?
Can. can.
okay I'll have two.

The stall owner dissapeared into her small kitchen with the order chit in hand and came out with a plate of fried kuey teow. She set the plate on the counter, in between Pah and Miss Stewardess. The fragrance of sauted garlic & oyster sauce enveloped them. The flat noodles were tinted dark of soy sauce, and the oil made it glisten. Bits of eggs and chunky cockles and stringy beansprouts mingled with the noodles. Pah saw Miss Stewardess looking at the dish from the corner of her eye. Miss Stewardess' hand ran across the waistband of her skirt and she heard a tiny sigh. Of longing?

"Leng loi, mau order kah?" (Pretty girl, do you want to order?), the stall owner asked Pah.
"That looks good.. I'll have a plate of that" Pah said, pointing at the kuey teow "extra cockles ad beansprout okay auntie?"
"Auntie, are my eggrolls ready?" Miss Stewardess asked, with a slight impatient tone in her voice.
" sekejap ah.. lu punya special order mah.. (In a minute, yours is a special order)"

Another customer came and asked the stall owner if the kuey teow was his, and walks away with the dish. Miss Stewardess moved slightly away, as if the fat from the dish could travel through air and deposit on her thin body.
The stall owner dissapeared again and a few moments later came back with two trays:
One with a plate of two unfried eggrolls and a bowl of peanut sauce. The eggrolls lay cold and white. Pale and bland. The sauce nutty and spicy.
The other had a plate of steaming hot char kuey teow, laden with cockles and beansprouts.

Miss Stewardess paid and took her tray. She was about to leave when one of her friends walked by, looked at the contents of her tray and said
"eeeyeww.. you're gonna take the peanut sauce? It's very fattening you know?"
Miss Stewardess turned around, returned the sauce and hurriedly joined her friends. But not without a final glance at Pah's kuey teow.

Pah and Su sat not far away from Miss Stewardess and her friends and Pah couldnt help but watch that table. They were talking while eating, and Pah saw that after each bite, Miss Stewardess' eyes would be roaming around looking at other people's plates. Everybody else had salad or soup. Two of her friends shared a grilled mackerel. Miss Stewardess finished her eggrolls in about 8 bites. The rest of the time she sucked mineral water through a straw.

Pah savoured her lunch. It was somehow more delicious than she had imagined. Even Su, who complained that she's still hungry and snuck a bite from Pah's plate, thought it was tasty too.

"Lets get a DQ Blizzard" Pah announced, "I feel like celebrating"
"Celebrating what?" Su queried
"Celebrating me" Pah smiled.


NOTES:
Yong Tow Foo : assortment of fishballs and fishcakes or vegetables stuffed with fish. Served either fried and eaten with sweet and spicy sauce or in a soup.
Assam Laksa : Thick Rice noodles (laksa) in a sour&spicy fish soup (assam), served with mint leaves and shredded cucumber, onions and pineapples.
Char Kuey Teow: flat rice noodles (kuey teow), fried (char) in a garlic and oyster sauce. With cockles, beansprout, thinly sliced fish cake thrown in.

---

Blog Comments

Posted by: nectar
Date: 9/24/04 at 2:19AM (2M6d ago)

I don't want to be too fat, but I don't want to have to act like that thin stewardess either. Can't we have the best of both worlds?


Posted by: Bustaman
Date: 9/24/04 at 2:46AM (2M6d ago)
I had my first taste of Vietnamese food in Melbourne. I guess it tasted like Thai food to me.
As for char kway teow, try the Penang No Pork the shop house on the road going to the FAM building.


Posted by: elisataufik (Offline)
Date: 9/24/04 at 2:58AM (2M6d ago)

actually, I prefer Lau Wan's in Restoran Jaya to Penang No Pork's in Subang Ria (that's the name of the restaurant near FAM).
Mama's kuey teow is also not bad :)

"we were but stones, ... your light made us stars"


Posted by: famygirl (Offline)
Date: 9/24/04 at 3:04AM (2M6d ago)

so, which DQ Blizzard did Pah order?? :P


Posted by: elisataufik (Offline)
Date: 9/24/04 at 3:08AM (2M6d ago)

Nestle Hot Chocolate with Almonds. YUMMMYYYYY!!!

"we were but stones, ... your light made us stars"


Posted by: OnEdge
Date: 9/24/04 at 3:17AM (2M6d ago)
"How DQ Won The Day" should e the title..

aya..now hungry for Lau Wan's..

I'm always hungry anyway..but don't have a body of stewardess pon? ahahahaa


Posted by: elisataufik (Offline)
Date: 9/24/04 at 3:47AM (2M6d ago)

wah OnEdge, I never knew you secretly desired for a body like a stewardess...

"we were but stones, ... your light made us stars"


Posted by: lion3ss
Date: 9/24/04 at 6:18AM (2M6d ago)
That's it..my weekend will be full of blizzards, and kuay teow, and assam laksa, and yong tow foo, *the list goes on*. No soup or salad (or unfriend eggrolls minus the egg and sauce) meals for me! Have a good weekend.


Posted by: nuttywhocantloginforsomereason
Date: 9/24/04 at 7:00AM (2M6d ago)
very nice story.
my mom's on a no-carb diet, which annoys the heck out of my sis and i, because we like our food fattening and greasy, thankyouverymuch. we'll purposely go "yummm this (insert fattening food here) is REALLY good mama are you sure you don't want just a teeny bit?"
crazy woman won't eat.
so we'll say "mama, MAKAN LAH!!!"
now crazy woman is trying to get us to eat leaves for dinner. i mean.. veggies. *shudders*

oh ya chip and kim won. YAAYYYYY!


Posted by: raina
Date: 9/26/04 at 12:55PM (2M4d ago)
i prefer calling Kuey Teow as asian fettucine..hehe


Posted by: meowxx (Offline)
Date: 9/26/04 at 9:16PM (2M4d ago)

I luv the story... by the way, life is short... Shouldn't we be enjoying it? I believe a bit of everything would not hurt...

p/s: I had Yong Tow Foo for lunch yesterday :-)

***
Fame is the scentless Sunflower, with a gaudy crown of gold;
But Friendship is the breathing Rose, with sweets in every fold.

Voyeour

It was 9pm. The streets were illuminated only by the lights coming out of the shop fronts.
She sat in the parked car, waiting for her husband who went to the grocer's to pick up some Cheerios for the kids' breakfast the next day.
The kids were playing 'dinosaurs' in the back seat. The sounds of their growls and roars surrounds her and sometimes she could feel the car rock.
"Don't be so rough with your little brother" she would reprimand once in a while.
There were people coming in and out of cars and crossing the street, but none paid attention to her car. If they did, they saw the kids bouncing in the back seat. They didn't see her sitting in the dark. She felt invisible.

It was then that she saw him.
Tall and walking down the lane in front of the shops in sure strides.
It wasn't bright enough to see his face clearly but she could make out the clean hair cut, the sharp nose, the masculine jaw, the long eyelashes.
He was wearing work clothes. A clean light blue long sleeved shirt, and pressed khaki pants. His tie was peeking thru one of his pockets and she could see that he has quite a taut .. erm.. body.
She could imagine him sitting in the office with his tie on, talking on the phone while tip tapping on his laptop. An office with a view of the city rooftops.
She imagined him walking into lobbies, being greeted by concierges, ushered to tables, waited on by waiters. Looking all GQ and elegant.

She watched his silhouette saunter pass and his right hand passing his car keys to his left. She wondered what car he drove. Probably a beemer.
She watched his right hand reach up to his chin, and she imagined him going to facials and getting massaged by ladies in white. He would walk out of the spa, looking clean shaven and refreshed and his face would beam. Was he also picking up cereal for the next day's breakfast? Probably Post and not Cheerios.

She saw him rub his index finger slightly on his chin before he
picked his nose.

"eeeyyyyyeewwww!!!!!" she said out loud and laughed.
The car stopped rocking.
"What is it mommy??" "What did you see?"
"nothing"
"then why did you say eeyeewww??" "What did you see, mommy??"
"i saw someone pick his nose"
"errr... it wasnt me" "you did pick your nose!"
"I did not" "did too.. you're always picking your nose"
"you're lying! I did not" "did too"
"did not" "did too!!!"
The car rocked.
As the kids' voices drowned the sound the radio, it also drowned the image of the man from her mind

Thoughts Unspoken

She knocks on the hospital room door while turning the knob with her other hand and opening it.
"Hello ...?" she enters, cautiously.
She peers behind the curtain and enounters a semi-recognizable person in the bed, who had turned her attention from the small tv she was watching.
"Hey..!" the patient says when she saw the visitor. Eventhough it was weaker than her natural voice, the visitor recognizes the suprised but delighted inflect in the reply.
"Hey..!" the visitor replied, beaming, throwing her arms wide and heading towards the frail figure in bed.
They hug.
The visitor could feel the patient's shoulder bone, pushing sharply against her own fleshy arms.
"So, how are you? " she asks, "what happened?" as she looked around the room and takes in the drip, the small tv, the half-empty fruit basket, the stack of books, Cleo and Marie Claire, a discman on the side table.
"Oh same ol same ol" the patient said. " I couldnt eat and then I had a fever so the doctor asked me to be warded so that they can at least feed me intravenously. "
"But Wal said you were getting better and had developed a craving for Skittles, which I had bought some by the way, tada...!" She took out 4 packets of skittles out of the plastic bag she brought and displayed it to her friend like it was the grand prize in Wheel of Fortune.
The patient laughed "I probably could only eat it when I get out of here"
"which will be soon" the visitor was quick to add and reaches into her bag again.
"In the meantime, you can read this: I thought you might like some Grisham, and if not, here's some Danielle Steel for you." She stacked the books on top of the others.
"How are your kids? They didn't come along?" the patient asked, while trying to sit up higher.
"Urgh" the visitor shook her head "They wanted to go to the park, so my husband took them there while I'm here. He'll come and pick me up later, when they're done". She had found a chair to sit on and now faced the small television. It was screening a music award show.
"oh. Did you watch survivor last night? Oh my god!! I'm starting to get tired of watching Colby win everything! Last night he won a trip to scuba dive with that big haired girl"
"Oh I know! but did you notice how she was like all goo-goo eyed with Colby?"
"And then all green-eyed when Colby came back with presents for everyone and she didnt"
"what was she complaining about anyway? Just coz *she* didnt think of it, doesnt mean that Colby's bad coz he did"
" I hope big hair or colby gets voted out soon"
"so you're not rooting for colby anymore?"
"I dunno... he's really strong. But i'm hoping a girl will win this time. I dunno.. maybe Tina?"

She looks at her friend's face and remembers a time when it used to be rounded and plump. Her hair used to be so straight and shiny. Now her friend is gaunt, and her hair is just limp and thinning.

"Oh, I like this song. Hasnt he got a great voice?" The patient points to the TV.
"Nasyid??" she creases her forehead, "You? Mrs Wyclef Jean? Listens to nasyid now?" and giggles.
"No. Listen.. this guy's got the best voice I've ever heard"
They listen.
"Yeah, maybe you're right.. he's got quite a good voice. Hey, remember the time when they had that inter-dorm nasyid competition and you guys forced me to sing lead and I was so nervous my voice practically cracked? ha ha"
"Ha ha! I winced! no wonder we lost the competition"
"you're nasty" she poked her friend's thigh. and hit bone.
"ouch!" the girl in bed said jokingly
She was half alarmed. "Eh, sorry.. anyways, talking about our dorm.. I met Ona last week and guess what, she has bought a bungalow facing a golf course.."
"Damn.. banyak nya duit dia.. [she has a lot of money] "
"Hello.. she lives in Kulim, her cost of living is prolly half of ours.. it's no wonder that she could afford a bungalow. With what I paid for my apartment, I could prolly buy a bungalow in Kulim"
"i just bought an apartment"
"What?? When?? Where??"
"2 weeks ago.. i just felt like it. went to see the show-house, liked it, paid the deposit and made a loan."
"Where?"
"On that road leading to the airport"
"Cool!! Then u can come to my house more often. woo hooo!!"
"when i get out of here, I'll definitely visit you more often. It's just that I've been so busy and sick and all.."
"Does wal know abt the apartment?"
"Of course! he came with me"
"You mean you bought it together?" the visitor was visibly excited with this prospect.
"No, *I* bought it.. he just helped me with the agreements and loans and stuff"
"Where is he anyway?"
"He just left about an hour before u got here. He's got some family thing.."
"Oh.. so how are you and him getting along?"
"Okay i guess.. but sometimes I feel like he's wasting his time with me.. I mean, I'm sick all the time, and we don't get to go out anymore.."
"Oh come on.. don't be like that.. he's a nice guy. I know him. he's my best friend, afterall. From what I hear, he's pretty much sticking with you all the way"
"hm..."
"hey when you get out of here, let's the four of us go out and catch a movie , just like old times."
"Lets."

A handphone rings
"Mine""Yours" they said.
"Hello? uh hm.. okay. I'll be down in a few minutes. mkay, bye!"
The visitor closes her clamshell phone and looks at her friend.
"Your husband?" the patient asked, slightly dissapointed.
"yeah.." the visitor sighed. "Uhmm so.. when do u think u'll get to go home?"
"Gosh I really don't know" the patient brushes the back of her bony hand on her forehead. "I'll call you when I do. We'll go out.. yum char or somewhere"
"Or you can come to my apartment. You've never been there yet" She clasps her hand together, almost like praying.
"yeah, we'll see how it goes" the patient tries to smile.
"okay. promise you'll call" the visitor starts to gather her things.
"promise" The patients looks around , just to make sure her friend didn't leave behind anything.

"okay, well, see ya. Get well soon, okay?" She gave her friend one final hug before she leaves.
The patient rubs the visitors back while they hug. "Thanx for coming. oh and for the skittles. and the books"
"no problem. If u ever need anything else.." The visitor stood at the end of the bed, holding the curtains with one hand, and made a phone gesture with the other.
"Bye" they wave at each other and the visitor leaves the room.

She walks down the hall and feels her chest starting to hurt.
oh god you look so sick i almost didnt recognize you
A pain that slowly reaches her throat.
are you going to get better?
Soon her chin starts to quiver.
I want you to get better. I don't think i can face the other fact
When she got down to the lobby, her eyes began to sting.
I dont want to lose you
She managed a smile when she saw her husband waiting for her in the car, with the kids sitting in the back seat, hair all matted with sweat, cheeks pink with adrenaline.
She sat on the passenger seat and looks at her husband.
"Hi" she managed. She turned to those in the back seat and asked in her best happy voice "Did u guys have fun?"
A resounding Yessss came from the motley crew.
"How is she?" her husband asked.
She couldnt answer.
She was covering her face and crying.
I love you

Soulmates

Have you ever felt that you're connected to someone else? Someone that you have never even met?

I've never told anyone about this, but I have often felt as if I was somehow connected to a person somewhere out there.
There was often a time when I felt a sudden emotion. Emotions that were not appropriate for the moment, that I had no reason for feeling.. almost as if I was feeling something someone else was feeling.
Sometimes I would get dreams. Dreams of a girl (who has now become a woman). She would live in a different place and it was almost as if I was living her life.
Sometimes I see her when I was even awake. How is that possible?
I do not know. Sometimes if I stay real quiet, and sit really still, I could almost see her.

There was one time it rained real hard. And there was lightning.
And I have always been afraid of lightning.
Perhaps I read too much Stephen King.
I have always imagined the lightning seeking me out, through windows and doorways and reaching me. Striking me, straight thru the heart.
So when it rains with lightning, I stay indoors, away from the windows.
So anyways.
It was raining, and there was lightning and we just moved to a new house and each room had windows..! dammit. I had nowhere to go.
So I sat on the stairs, which was in the middle of the house, and was blocked from the living room (which had these enormous sliding door spanning the width of the porch..) by a brick wall.
I sat on the stairs, and leaned my head against the brick wall while waiting for the rainstorm to subside.

Then I saw her.

She was in a flat of some sort. It was definitely not a house, because I can see rooftops out of her window.
She was walking about in her living room. It was a bare room with wooden flooring. She wasn't doing anything, just walking back and forth, but I could feel her anxiety.
Then she sat down, on a wooden stool, at this small square wooden table. In a room that I think was a kitchen or something. I don't know, I could only see and feel, I couldn't smell.
And she was crying. She put her elbows on the table and the palms of her hands on her forehead, propping up her head like that and she was sobbing.
She was crying and I felt her sadness... like she lost someone or something.. the feeling was so intense that I almost believed that I was the one who had lost someone or something.

I don't know why, I whispered
"don't be sad. It will be over soon"
and I heard her gasp and look up.

and the rain stopped.
and she was gone from my vision.

The Attempt

She had been arguing with him. She was angry at him and he was being angry at her back. They quarrelled. He said he's going to bed. She followed him into the room to continue with the argument. Bitter words exchanged. She stormed out of the room and went into the study and sat behind the bookshelf, on the floor, hugging her knees, pulling her body into a tight ball.
She did not bother to turn on the lights. There was light coming in from the hallway through the door that she left open but where she was crouching, it was dark.
She cried and consoled herself.
Why can't he love me just the way I am?
Is it so difficult to love me?

She doesn't know how long she had been crying, but she knows it had been quite awhile.
He'll come look for me soon.

She thought about all the arguments that they had had. They have all been the same. She says something, then he says something back and they get angrier and angrier at each other. It was always as if her feelings being hurt is her own fault, and as if he has never had anything to do with it.

She thought she heard the bedroom door open.
She looked for shadows on the parquet floor of the study. If anybody walked in the hallway, she should be able to see shadows.
No shadows.
but she thought she heard footsteps.
He should be looking for me.

She kept quiet and pushed her self further and closer towards the corner of the bookshelf and the wall. Trying to make herself fit. Taking comfort in the feeling of a solid thing pushing against her back and side.
She listened.
is that him opening closets?

She has always sought comfort in confined spaces. Under normal circumstances, she's almost claustrophobic. Elevators make her nauseous and nervous. Small cars make her feel unsafe. Even a ride on the subway bothers her, but she tolerates these things out of necessity.
When she's sad or depressed though, she'd look for the smallest and darkest space she could find.
Closets were her favourite.
She would sit among the bedlinen and towels at the bottom of the closet, and behind the hung clothes. Her feet and hands would rub on the softness of cool cotton (and her bum would thank her for keeping it warm and cushioned, not like the hard parquet floor she was sitting on now). Sometimes the hung shirts and dresses brushed and carressed her cheeks, comforting her, wiping her tears away, telling her everything would be alright, she will feel better soon. The smell of residual laundry detergent and fabric softener would mingle and tingle her nostrils, filling up her chest with a sense of .. cleansing.. of healing.

She remembers the first time he found her this way.
It was their first fight after living together.
He had decided to leave the house in anger. She cried and hid herself.
He came home, looking for her, but found her gone.
Shoes still around. Keys still in the bowl at the door.
He ran outside looking for a barefoot woman. She couldnt have gone far on foot.
Nothing.
He contemplated asking the neighbors, but decided not to, out of embarassment. They've only been married a month. They've just moved here for a week.
He searched the house again.
She heard him calling out for her.
Heard bedroom and bathroom doors open and shut.
Heard main door open and shut.
And open and shut.
She heard her bed creak.
Silence.
Heavy breathing.
Then, blinding light in her eyes and warm air at her feet as he opened the closet door and found her.
Eyes all puffy and red, curled up like a ball
what have.. you .. *sigh* .. I've been .. *sigh* ... come here, baby.. as he held her hand and pulled her out of the closet and hugged her in their bed.
I'm sorry he kept repeating.

She thought she heard steps again.
And doors opening and shut.
She watched out for shadows approaching.
None.

and then gurgling...
of water?
someone's taking a shower..

It's the neighbor.

And then it dawned on her.
He's not coming
He's not looking for me.

She laughed at her foolishness.
A breathy throaty silent laugh
that just shakes her chest and shoulders and head
and eventually turns into sobs
when the truth sunk in.

He's not coming
He's not looking for me
anymore