Saturday, July 15, 2006

Stay at home, Mom

Look at izani here!

Before I start, I think I better write a disclaimer.
This post, is not meant to make any of my readers out there who are working moms (most of whom I consider friends) to feel bad. I am just merely telling you how I feel about being a stay-at-home-mom. These are my observations, since I was a working mom, and I found these things that I'm going through now to be quite a revelation. to me.


As you know, Izani is 3 months today. Somehow, this time around, I feel like 3 months is a really long time. It feels like i've known baby Izani forever. and I say that not in a bad way. I mean, not like "oh my god it feels like forever!!! when is it going to end??" kinda way .. more like in a "I feel like I've known you all my life" kinda way.
And I think the reason is because I am now a stay-at-home mom.
I am around all the time. And since I do not have any help, it means that I am the only one around, for most parts of the day at least, until his father comes home. It means that I am the person he sees and touches and hears to the most.

With the other 3 kids, by the time they were 60 days old or so, I'd be off to work. I'd see them in the morning, then for about half an hour when (and if) i can come home for lunch, then only when I come home from work in the evening. I'd be with them more during the weekends, of course but at other times, they'd be with either a maid, my mom or caregiver at a nursery.
I am usually almost out of touch with what goes on with their day; how many bottles of milk they drank, when they drank it, did they poop today, what lotions were rubbed on his body, how long and how often did he nap, how he was comforted, how long he had his dirty diapers on.. so on and so forth. Even though I consider myself to be quite a control freak when it comes to how my children are handled, some things that happen(ed) when I am at work is really beyond my control.
When I came home, if the baby is cranky i wouldnt know why. If the baby had diaper rash, it would catch me totally by suprise. If the baby won't sleep when I expect him to, I would be at a loss as to the reasons. I just had to wing it.

This time, however, I have FULL control, baby! I know every single thing that happened during the day. I know exactly what goes into him and what comes out of him. I know why he's not tired. I know why he's cranky. I know what makes him laugh. I know what makes him cry.
It makes me feel so in control, but more than that, it makes me feel like a real mother.
And the relationship that I have with Izani, since I spend so much time with him, is undescribably special. I no longer rely on those breastfeeding times to have our moments of bonding (and don't feel so bad when I fail to have breastfeeding moments), because we bond at other times. I am the one who bathe him, I am the one who feeds him even when it's the bottle. I'm the one who picks him up when he cries. I'm the one who plays with him right before he goes to sleep. It's not some other person. All he sees is me, and I'm the first person he learns to recognize. Sometimes even when he's with Taufik and he sees me walk past, he would fix his eyes on me and follow me around. Sometimes he'd give me a little holler.
I tell ya, it makes me feel quite special. *grin*

Don't get me wrong though.. I'm not saying that I love my other kids any less because I spent less time with them. I'm not saying that they don't make me feel special. I still felt like my heart was going to burst when they ran up to me and screamt "Bonda!!" and hugged me when I picked them up from the nursery.
I'm just saying that the relationship was different, you know?
It's like they were constantly craving for my attention, while Izani.. well, as of now, he's abit clingy, but he seems more calm and contented compared to the others.

I know that other stay-at-home moms would think this is nothing new, but to a person who have raised 3 kids while working, it made me think, "Why didn't I do this earlier?".

On another note, I hope I'm not raising a clingy baby, one that wants nobody else BUT me. Coz then that would mean I could not leave him with other people for a while for me to go dating with my husband or something..
Now that would be a problem.

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