Friday, June 29, 2007

bottled up and nowhere to go

Sometimes I am hurt deeper than I let on.

I would grin and say it's ok or I would just be quiet, but I would not say how I really feel.

Why? Perhaps it's fear. Fear of not being liked. Fear of being called emotional. Fear of being considered volatile.

Sometimes I wouldnt even understand how I really feel until much much later. I don't know if this happens to all people, but sometimes I'd be looking back at what happened and then suddenly realize, "hey, that's not so nice!" and I'd feel hurt. But then it'd be too late to respond or react, so I keep it inside.

But then one day i'd feel so low that everything would come rushing back to me. All the hurtful things. It'd come rushing down like a sledgehammer on my shoulders, pushing me down on my knees and I'd be sobbing sobbing because it's so painful.

What frustrates me more is that since I had not brought it up before, I couldnt really bring it up after it had already happened so long ago.. it'd look like I was ..vengeful? unforgiving? digging up ?

it just makes me look bad.

So whatever it is, I'd have to keep it bottled up inside me.

until the next wave comes.

sometimes I wonder if one day it will just burst open.

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