bottled up and nowhere to go

Sometimes I am hurt deeper than I let on.

I would grin and say it's ok or I would just be quiet, but I would not say how I really feel.

Why? Perhaps it's fear. Fear of not being liked. Fear of being called emotional. Fear of being considered volatile.

Sometimes I wouldnt even understand how I really feel until much much later. I don't know if this happens to all people, but sometimes I'd be looking back at what happened and then suddenly realize, "hey, that's not so nice!" and I'd feel hurt. But then it'd be too late to respond or react, so I keep it inside.



But then one day i'd feel so low that everything would come rushing back to me. All the hurtful things. It'd come rushing down like a sledgehammer on my shoulders, pushing me down on my knees and I'd be sobbing sobbing because it's so painful.

What frustrates me more is that since I had not brought it up before, I couldnt really bring it up after it had already happened so long ago.. it'd look like I was ..vengeful? unforgiving? digging up ?

it just makes me look bad.

So whatever it is, I'd have to keep it bottled up inside me.



until the next wave comes.



sometimes I wonder if one day it will just burst open.

first lines

dedicated to nonah



See whether you can recognize these first lines from novels:



1. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.



2. Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice.



3. Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.



4. It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.



5. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.



6. If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.



7. He was an inch, perhaps two, under six feet, powerfully built, and he advanced straight at you with a slight stoop of the shoulders, head forward, and a fixed from-under stare which made you think of a charging bull.



8. I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story.



9. It was a pleasure to burn.



10. You better not never tell nobody but God.



answers: 1. Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813) 2. Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude (1967; trans. Gregory Rabassa) 3. Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877; trans. Constance Garnett) 4. George Orwell, 1984 (1949) 5. Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities (1859) 6. J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye (1951) 7. Joseph Conrad, Lord Jim (1900) 8. Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome (1911) 9. Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 (1953) 10. Alice Walker, The Color Purple (1982)





I love number 9!!

Confiscated PS2

Unlike other people who has 5 year old daughters who could wash the bathroom, I had to confiscate the PS2 in order to make my kids clean up their room.



:rolleyes:

Ihsan has completed F1nding Nem0!

After two years and playing bit by bit, Ihsan finally completed this PS2 game.

We were all watching him play Level 18 (which is quite an anti-climax after the very difficult Level 17). He 'died' a few times but finally got the hang of it and we were all cheering him on.

Yay for Ihsan!!



Now he's replaying his favourite bits.

Anis is sick

Anis got sick on Wednesday, the last day of school.

She unusually took a nap in the afternoon and when I woke her up for dinner, she vomitted. After dinner she had diarrhea (eh how lah to spell this word?).

I have cracked my head to think what could make her feel this sick.

I made mac and sausages and cheese for lunch, but no one else was sick eating that. Even Izani ate it (and lots of it) and he seems to be hunky dory.

I kept asking her what she ate in school or did she sneak and eat something else besides the mac and cheese, but she said nothing.



I thought yesterday she would be better.

She ate sausages and scrambled eggs for breakfast, but only half of it. She didn't vomit, but she did go to the toilet.

For lunch we went to the mall and the kids had chicken sandwich, but Anis only ate half of hers and the fries. We didnt let her drink her rootbeer float so she had water instead.

She had this weird look on her face so I asked her if she was alright. I pressed on and she finally said she needed to go to the toilet. We went to the one closest to the food court and I wasnt suprised to find it full, with several people in queue for each cubicle.

So I decided we should go to the other ladies' restroom, the one almost at the other end of the mall.

We walked really fast, me asking her if she was okay after every few shops.

"boleh tahan?" (can you hold it?) I would ask.

"Yes" she would answer meekly.

I think if we were to enter a walkathon with that speed, we would've won with a huge lead. I felt like my feet were going to fall off when we finally reached the other toilet.

The moment she sat on that porcelain throne, I could hear a whoosh and her sigh of relief.



We cancelled shopping plans and drove home. Anis fell asleep the moment we got home.

She slept for the longest time. I woke her up for dinner and she didnt want to wake up. I checked on her before I got into bed and found her panties clean, but didnt even stir.

Poor girl!

I found her in my bed in between Izani and Taufik this morning.

She seemed a little lethargic, but perked up when we fed her nestum.

Now she's taking a nap on the living room sofa.

She seems so weak, but she doesnt want to eat anything.



What to do ya? Any ideas?

First day of summer holiday

First day of summer holiday and Ilham woke up at 5 a.m.

5 a.m.!!!

It took us at least 15 minutes to get him to wake up at 6 a.m. on school mornings. Today he woke us up at 5 a.m.

Pleaded and pleaded for his dad to set up the PS2.

Half-asleep and wanting to do nothing but go back to sleep, Taufik set the dang thing up.



We heard Transformers

then Shrek2

then Ace Combat 6



Miraculously by 8 a.m. they got bored and put on the Monster's Inc DVD instead.

I made breakfast (sausages and scrambled eggs and toasts) and made them stop it halfway.

Now they're continuing watching the other half.



my living room is strewn with wires.

in not so many words

16, to be exact)

I got this bug from pizzo.

---

She waits. She watches. She sees a prey. She jumps on it. Munches its head. Yummeh!



------------------



Tickle tickle. Giggle Giggle. Roll around. Toys found.

Drool drool. Munch Munch. Tummy full. Good lunch.



-------------------



She rushed for the bus. Closed the front door and realized she left the keys inside.



-------------------



Tries to ignore the whispers around her but accusing looks made her sit quietly and cry.

(inspired by ondeonde)



-------------------



Sliced roast chicken. Shredded lettuce. Orange segments. Ranch dressing. Toss all in bowl. Sprinkle almonds. Yummeh!



-------------------



I have cracked my head and found that it's actually quite easy, so, now you try! :)

My Holiday Schedule

For those of you who are interested to know, below is my schedule for this summer's trip back home.

Aside from dates I arrive and fly back to S@udi, all other dates are not set in stone. So feel free to suggest a meeting/gathering. :D

Fear of Spoiling

Yesterday was the 15th, so as usual, I had updated Izani's blog.

---

I have this fear of spoiling my kids. I don't know whether it's rational or not.

I think I had always been depriving my kids of things that 'normal' kids get. Like toys; they don't have much. I have 4 kids and their toys can fit in one toy box. They don't get to eat crisps (potato chips) that often. Pizza is like a super treat, and only when Taufik is not home for dinner. And I always cook meals for the whole family, seldom special menus for special palates. You eat what's on the table. We don't go to fun fairs or theme parks. A trip to Toys R Us for window shopping is like a super treat for my kids. For once they get to touch cool toys.

I don't know why.

Perhaps it's because Taufik came from a poor family and my family was not so well-to-do either. My family we're not as poor as Taufik's, but we didnt have overflowing toy boxes and when all my friends had the 24-piece pretty color pencils in a tin box, I was still using the 6-piece short Luna ones in a cardboard box. Taufik didnt have a bicycle until he was in his teens. The only thing he ever really really wanted when he was growing up were roller skates and his dad bought one pair, and he had to share it with his 2 brothers. We have learnt to be grateful for whatever we can get. I don't want my kids to be them whiny ones that throw a tantrum at the toy store coz they can't get a remote control car.

When I went to boarding school, I remember a few kids who made their parents send food every day (or had their lockers well-stocked with instant noodles), because they can't stand the cafeteria food. I use to think of them as very lucky for having such caring parents, but now (being a parent and having the possiblity of having to cook for my kids even when they're away from me), I think they are kinda spoiled.

I want my kids to be able too survive in any environment and be happy with whatever little things that they have. I want them to learn the value of hardwork and money. I want them to value the things that they do have and take good care of it. I am afraid if they will grow up thinking everything is easy and they wouldnt know what to do when things are not so easy.

This fear has intensified ever since we moved here. When you have access to the best and you can afford the best, wouldnt you give your kids the best things in life? I am afraid that if I do, than they wouldnt know how to toughen up when the best things are not available or when we can't afford it.

So I intentionally make things difficult for them. I give them chores and device a reward system. When they want something, they'd have to earn it. When they get a treat, it comes along with a lecture of how lucky they are, how they shouldnt expect to get treats everyday.

Sometimes i think i'm depriving them of enjoying life, of just having fun. Sometimes I wonder if they feel inferior to their friends who have much more 'stuff' than them. Sometimes I wonder whether by toughening them up, I am just damaging their ego or confidence.

But then that fear of spoiling my kids take over and I'd feel like I'm doing the right thing.

I guess we all just try to do our best, eh?

Which is worse?

To believe that you are never good enough,

so that when you are not treated the right way

you won't feel so bad coz you won't expect much anyway



OR



To believe that you are good and deserve the best

and be angry when

you are not treated that well?

hikmah

ada hikmahnya Allah pindah kiblat dari baitulmaqdis ke makkah, kan?

Cuba imagine kalau kiblat kita masih di baitulmaqdis.

tak ke perang besar-besaran?



mungkinkah ini petandanya for us to just let it go?



Ya Allah, bilalah dunia ni nak aman..



sorry. random thoughts.



semalam tak sempat blog, sebab pihak pengurusan potong eletrik sekejap (4 jam) untuk penyelangaraan berkala. heh heh peliklah tulis dalam bahasa malaysia baku (aliya punya pasal lah ni).

tapi tak sempat blog pun, sempat jugak google dan cari macamana nak kata "taknak babi" dalam bahasa lain.. (semalam dah ajar budak-budak)



kalau masa kita travel, kita pegi makan kat restoran kosher sebab tak ada tempat halal yang lain kita boleh pegi (atau sebab dah bosan makan shawarma aje), kira macam berdosa tak?

mintak-mintak ada terjumpa zabiha kfc macam kat chicago.



last weekend makan nasi dagang trengganu (thankyou so much, siti!!)

walaupun kuah dia tak macam yang mama buat, okaylah.. bolehlah buat mengobat rindu.

tapi balik rumah, sakit urat sebab makan pulut banyak sangat.

:confused:



dah lah ek?

izani dah menggeliat-geliat.

fate

We were talking about fate with a non-muslim couple the other day.

They told us about a friend of them who was found dead in his car, apparently from an accident. No one helped him and he was found by a police car. They had heard from another friend about how some ar@bs believe that if you help a person who is about to die, it's like changing that person's fate (as given by God), and therefore you are considered meddling.

I am not sure about the validity of the information that they got, whether it's a culture thing or whether it was just a misinformation (i.e. maybe a friend of a friend asked an ar@b guy and that ar@b guy didnt know what to say and offered this as an explanation).

Thinking that you could meddle with God's fate is almost blasphemous I think. I mean it's almost like you're saying you have the power to change a fate that God has given, almost like you are as powerful as God. Who are we to know what fate God has in store of us?



'Fate' can be quite a tricky concept for some muslims to understand.

Some have this "since this is my fate, why should I even bother trying"-mentality.

From what I understand, there are two 'parts' of fate: Qada' and Qadar.

Qada' is more commonly known as 'destiny', what Allah has predetermined for us even before we were born, i.e. when we will die, who will we marry, our rezeki , etc (what else ya?). These are not revealed to us in advance.

Qadar is whatever is predetermine by the scheme of natural creation, like laws of physics and chemistry and such. These can be reavealed in advance, through the study of science for instance.

A good example of how this works is if you get hit by a car. By Allah's Qadar, you will get hurt, that's for sure, but whether you will live or die because of being hit by a car, you don't know because Allah's Qada' is not revealed to us.

But any sound thinking person, muslim or not, would try not to get hit by a car in the first place. Does this constitute to going against Allah's fate for us? It doesnt, because if it is Allah's decree that the person will die there at that specific date and time, he will die, irregardless of whether he was hit by a car, or choking on a cherry pit.



Now, lets get back to my 'dream trip'.

I don't know what my fate/destiny will be. Whether I get to go or not go.

But by god, I'm going to do everything within my power and within Allah's Qadar to try and make it work.

I don't actually believe in jinxes (despite what i sound like in the previous post), but I am still not going to reveal the destination, because I would be really embarassed if I talked about it so much and then end up not being able to go!

tee hee.

it will be a sad day ...

... when a blogger thinks twice about what he/she wants to write in his/her own blog because he/she fears that he/she will be judged.

---

i'm off to Riy@dh this evening, so no posts for the next few days.

see ya!

Jinxed?

There is a reason why I don't like to plan trips ahead, and I usually don't like to tell people where I'm going.

I am always afraid that it'll be jinxed, and I would end up not being able to go for some reason, and I would end up looking like a fool.

Cases in point:

The F1 race - I almost did not get to go coz the ticket was blown out of my purse.

The Doha Trip - was almost cancelled but in the end got delayed, because our multiple entry visa had expired.



So when my husband asked me about this 'dream trip', I was excited, but was very very very very cautious.

I tried really hard not to tell anyone.

But since my husband had put me in charge of planning almost everything, and after scouring the net for information and not being satisfied with travel websites, I had to open my big mouth and ask a few people I know for their advice.

my stupid big stupid mouth.



Yesterday I found out that there is a possibility that the other couple who is supposed to join us for this trip, might not get their visa (on time or even at all).

And if that couple can't go, there's really no point for us to go either.



dammit dammit dammit.



*sigh*

diamonds are a girl's best friend

For the past 4 days there was a Jewellery&Watch Exhibition at the Dh@hran Exhibition Centre. I went on a thursday afternoon with 2 other ladies.

I don't really like wearing too much jewellery, but if there's one thing I have been wanting since my teens, it would be diamond bracelet.

Okay so i saw this really nice white-gold and diamond bracelet. Clarity VS and Color F. dayumm sungguh cantik, tiny roses linked by bars that is set on its side so that it looks flimsy but actually not.

The jeweller let me try it on and I almost pengsan (fainted) with glee!!! It was just the right length, so that if I wear a long sleeved shirt, it would peek out just so.

I asked how much it was.

USD2500, but after discount USD1600, which translates to SR6000.

gila.

But it's diamonds!!! Beeeyooooootifoooollll diamondsssss

I knew it was a long shot, but I would not forgive myself if I didnt at least try.

So I gave Taufik a call.

"There's a really nice bracelet sayang"

"How much does it cost?"

"errr.. 6 thousand. "

"Berapa??"

"6 thousand riyals"

"ha belilah 2,3"

"Don't lah joke with me like that..."

"gila ke 6 ribu?? Tak nak lah."

"but it's really really niiiccce"

"No. okay?"

"uhuk uhuk... okay"

So i say thankyou very much to the jeweller and walked away.



The other ladies went to look at rings next, but I had lost interest in looking any more.

Then I got a call from Taufik.

"Hello?"

"Elisa, nanti beli lah .." (Elisa, later please buy)

*i get a small heart attack*

"Elisa, nanti beli lah barbecue chicken on the way back"

"hah? barbecue chicken?"

"yeah, from that shop in Rakah. Beli lah 2 ekor ke.. kita makan dinner ramai-ramai" (Buy 2 chickens, then we can have it for dinner together)

"erm okay"



dayummmmmmm.

sulk sulk sulk

pout pout pout



I am going to save a part of my monthly allowance from now on.

Takde tolak ansur dah.

next year, jaga lah...